Struggling [to be] a[n] artist

So I’m lost again about what I want to do in life. I’m torn between saying fuck it and just getting a service job, but at the same time, they are not the new “factory jobs” that people who lack higher ambition or talent or whatever, can have for 50 years and feed and support a family, or even their selves at this point. I won’t survive making 7.25 or w/e the minimum is at a job I can barely stand to not even cover bills. Going to college and getting a degree doesn’t really mean anything anymore, you still need to be so much more. The degree just kinda prepares you for something. There’s a lot you have to do on your own to even begin to have it be useful.

ANYWAY He said he would help me out, so first task I was given was to get a list of Careers I would like to do or look at, and what sort of medium it is, where they are, what the do, etc etc and start setting goals for it. Just a list of industries I might be interested in and doing some research.

So here is that brain dump I guess:

  • Web design – graphics or html/CSS/???
  • Marketing Design – Packaging and billboards??? Ads??????
  • Animation – Film/TV:
  • Animation – Games:
  • Environment games: maybe more level designer?? putting the levels and stuff together more or so than making the assets
  • clothing design: design and make clothes that I would want to wear, but It might be too weird for other people…
  • QA/Tech support: kind of going down this path as it is?????
  • Illustrator: hahahahahhhahahahahahha maybe If I had a clue on how to do watercolor or something it wouldnt be super far fetched but I just can’t wrap my head around it
  • pastry/baking:  I do enjoy baking stuff…

Im just really worried I don’t honestly have the gumption and drive to do these things. Like I feel like that’s what I’ve struggled so much with trying to do animation and art stuff. Why compete and try so fucking goddamn hard when you aren’t even worth a second glance (maybe to snicker at in disbelief) how awful and soul-crushing is that. I see my friends who work and try hard at things and end up failing and like ugghhhhhhh

{8 February 2013}   2D animation

The next project Sic’em Studios is working on is a prototype for pitching. Our previous attempt to make this was thwarted by hardware more or less. Anyway, the team has gotten larger since then, and another person will be working with me to make the art. She’s not an animator in any capacity, and was a bit hesitant to help out, but working together I think we can do it.

Anyway, the first thing we need to figure out is what software to use. We did a bit of research and decided to check three out: Spriter (still in alpha), Umotion2D and Flash. We’re both more familiar with flash, but neither of us are certain it can do what we need it to. The game will be built in Unity, so all we need is something to animate and make the sprite sheet with.

I was playing with all three of them with a really bad test character thing. The first thing I learned; you need to cut down all the piecemeal images to as big as they need to be; not the full size of the character, as how I do them when I’m making sheets by hand. All three of them bring the dimensions in and don’t cut them down, nor have an easy way to do so.

The test we need to do on them is to see if we can even use the program, if it animates to our desire/ how difficult it is to animate, and how the tweens/animation/everything is exported out, and how it does so. Umotion can export to Unity, so there’s a plus for it. Documentation for Spriter and Umotion is pretty lacking, even more so with the former. I hope Flash will win out, since working that will have more “industry” application for larger jobs, but what bit I’ve seen with the three of them, I don’t see whatever we learn/relearn not being applicable to Flash.

This will be good and interesting. I need to work on more animation things.

If I knew the question, I’d have the answer.

Going to GDC gave me a few more options, a few more insight, and only makes me feel only more lost. I’m pretty sure I want to be an animator professionally, but I can’t give up my illustrator/design nature either. I see uses that I would learn from the illustration/design that would be much help in animating (and vice versa).

It’s about trying to find what else attached to “animation” that I need to learn. Currently I would like to add “rigging” to it, and have found more “modeling” (maybe modeling theory more than modeling?) can help with setting up rigging (or at least make it easier to do so?) however, better “rigging” may negate/include the modeling need.

So I also want drawing classes (life, different mediums, drawing 2 or 3, etc) and design classes that go through theory (There was one at the CC I used to go to, I saw the stuff on the wall and gotten really excited. I was so looking forward to taking that class). I’m not very excited about art history, but dates and names never really stuck with me.

Talking to an alumni, he said its better to go to school for art, and find tutorials online for game stuff. He recommended Digital Tutorials. Last time I watched some of their videos, I was bored, and almost put to sleep. The voice on it was terrible. Others have told me not all of them are like it, but it has put such a bad taste in my mouth, I feel too reserved on doing it. However, it is an often referred to place to learn (even industry professionals will use it if they need to learn/re-learn programs). It certainly is much cheaper than any school I could go to. is another one that appears often. Both cost about the same (Lynda slightly cheaper) Going through forums of the various regular places (,,,,, etc) is all nice, but I’m so intimidated by posting there, and it can be so hard to find what you are looking for, simply because you didn’t chose the right category, or the terms you thought were right were never used in the exact thing you wanted.

I think I use school as a push to get work done, because without deadlines, I tend to not do them. Even self imposed ones last a short while. When someone else is depending on the final product at this date, I am 1000x more certain to get it done then. I completely know this, but so painfully aware of how much this sounds like an excuse to not do anything. A live person to help guide you through, or explain something a different way so you can understand is hands-down better than a recorded tutorial. Searching for an explanation can be as fruitless for reasons explained above. It does matter however, how good the teacher is. The downside to school is I can’t take my pace entirely. Some classes to go over what you grasped so readily the first time, or you being the one needing that extra class. I think this is cured by being around other people that have gone, understand, and have time to help explain this. Which is easier to find at a class setting.

So I am at a loss. Do I follow the “school for art, games online?” or start up more debt for a class room setting. Online or in person? No, the question, involves more what questions do I need to get answered, and who is most likely to have those answers. Can I just get a mentor whom I’m free to bug on a semi-daily (or even weekly) basis for help when I run into a snare, and point me into directions when I feel a bit turned around? Is there a program for that?

{8 August 2010}   Yet another cross roads!

Here’s the game up at IndiePub. You can vote here. Very much appreciate it if you would vote.

So I’ve decided to do a concentration of rigging and animating. I haven’t done any modeling or model texture work. I have done environment textures (as said in the last post). However, I have some problems rigging because I don’t know it very well, and there’s only oh so much free stuff out there that can help you. I’m really hoping this new school will have good resources.

I’m still not drawing everyday. Although, I think I would benefit more than drawing complete items everyday (small simple things) but complex ones that take many hours and days to do. Alas I am not motivated enough to do so! And would I do it on paper or the computer? More time spent trying to get the right line on the tablet than on paper…

I want to become a better artist… I know I can. Yet, for some reason, I’m not able to make myself draw enough. Then to add to that, besides traditional art and mediums, I want to learn more about fashion design and even start sewing some of my own clothes. I don’t know how I am going to find time for this stuff plus social and relaxation time. Something has to be cut out.

But for now, starting tomorrow, I am going to try to be doing a 9-5 work day, with an hour of exercise before then. Steve says I wont be able to work that long, since I am certainly easily distracted. We will see. then after I get off…. Do you think I can get myself to draw? I do have some of my art supplies here.

Not to mention my boyfriend wanting me to pick a violin back up. Need to go buy a new one (i have a book of music that I can start with, easy enough level where it’s not overly complex, but difficult enough I’m not learning scales again) And I had found my nice shoulder rest too!

Rigging/Animation, Traditional Art, Fashion/Sewing, Violin (character design or concept art still???) Too many things I want to do.

I’ve started drawing again. Tried to do it once a day, havent been 100% successful, but keeping it up in some form. If not actually drawing, at least some coloring. Some of it has been continuous work on a single thing, so not a new piece every day. I think it’s been going fairly well. The drawing class this semester is about color theory using prisma colored pencils. I still need to take pictures of my work from last semester, and i suppose i’ll post it up here when thats done. Though I don’t know how to properly do so. Charcoal was alright, but i don’t think it’s my medium.

I have another blog, here, where random things are posted. It’s been wiped a few times since I had started it. But that isn’t really what this post is about. I simply had a musing while I was getting to this one of posting things from there to here and merging them, and then I tried to remember what this one was for.  My friend Meg uses her blog as an art blog.  I think that’s what I wanted this for, but I have a dA that serves better for posting art. Do I continue in trying to make this my art blog? Or turn it into a the mad rantings and ravings that my pitas had been serving as? This isn’t what I wanted to talk about either.

This week, Corey had given us a very easy assignment with two weeks to do it, to give us a breather and to be able to re-work assignments to turn in for a better grade. It’s nice for once to not feel suffocating trying to stay focus for the few days I have to work on the homework. So of course I’m going to take this grace and play games and watch anime. Yet there is still this nagging feeling. This constant buzz of “should be doing should be doing should be doing” that won’t go away and makes me restless.  I had started watching Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex Wednesday while I was doing my drawing homework, and gotten through 3 discs. Today I had watched another, but as beautiful as it was, the restlessness arouse, saying “I should be doing I should be doing I should be doing”. I caved and came down to work re-work the Vespa, hoping that if I at least re-do one of the nice textured turn-around and make the graphic sheet for it, it would hopefully add a few more points to the (pretty low) grade. The textures need to be replaced since they don’t seem to realize that they are in the same folder as the model and shouldn’t be bothering with the full file path. Yet they are trying to find a path that is no longer there.

Corey had lectured (given a speech?) on our work drive, ethic and desire to be doing what we say we want to. Maybe I should switch to the general track rather than animation one, which I am currently following.  I have no idea. A good determinate is to see what you do in your spare time.

et cetera